I Do, I Did, I'm Done

As I’d dreamed about for years, I said “I do,” to Superman on May 8, 2010. That beautiful day held so much promise and anticipation for the future. I was ready to love, honor and obey him as I’d vowed in front of our family and friends.

Then, reality hit.

The transition from fiancée to wife wasn’t easy for me. I was waiting for an instant, magic-like transformation to occur on our wedding day that would help me become everything Superman needed in a wife. But, that fairytale change never came. So, I struggled with loving him in a way where my actions matched my words. I struggled with honoring him in a way that didn’t feel demeaning or belittling to my womanhood or feminist values. And I struggled with obeying or submitting to him because I was afraid it would cost my voice, my opinion, and my individuality.

The internal war was so great at times, I thought it would be best to give up. I even practiced the response I would give when our parents asked why I wanted a divorce. I was going to say, “I did it but it didn’t work for us. At least we tried.”

Then, the Lord sent help.

I was introduced to a small Bible study group for young wives. It was everything I needed and didn’t know I needed. It wasn’t until I met the other wives that I discovered that there were so many gaps in my understanding about marriage, submission, honor, sex, etc. And there were other marriage-related topics I simply didn’t care to know because I didn’t want marriage to change me so drastically, that I no longer recognize myself. 

After a few sessions of listening to the wives share their experiences, their wisdom, and their support, I told myself, “I’m done trying to do this on my own. If we’re going to survive, I need help.” And thankfully, that small group filled in the gaps, empowering me with wisdom and knowledge. They taught me that consistent self-work, self-evaluation and self-investment are required if I want to stay married and be happily married. They also taught me that making changes to meet Superman’s needs and love him according to his language, isn’t an insult to me. Instead, it’s a privilege to be so self-aware that I recognize and accept when change is needed and I have the courage to do something about it for the one I love.

Since 2013, we’ve been building a marriage that I’m not only proud to be in, but one that has equipped me to support, encourage and serve other wives and soon-to-be wives. If you’re a wife or fiancée who doesn’t have it all figured out and you’re ready to discover strategies to change that, join me at The Retreat. You don’t have to go through wifehood alone, help is here.