On this week’s episode of “I Didn’t Come Here for This,” I’m seriously considering firing my nail tech.
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“What kind of woman has a women’s ministry without a daughter?” I often asked God.
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I was fully tuned into the sermon until the Pastor said: “Some of us are too fragile for God’s glory…We think being “chosen” or “called” is equivalent to receiving special privileges.”
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For example, whenever there is a transition and/or shift happening in my life, it’s usually accompanied by other transitions and/or shifts.
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A piece of me died this month. And it's kind of ironic considering that September marked another year of life, health and strength for me.
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In April, I began to feel a shift in my ministry. I noticed that I had begun to attract a different segment of women than I would normally attract.
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No matter the instructions, the outcome remained the same: God spoke. I disobeyed. Satan won.
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If I obey God and the result of my obedience isn’t welcomed by others, overflowing in success, plentiful in opportunity, abounding in favor, etc., I tell myself, “I must’ve misunderstood God’s instructions.”
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As I discussed the situation with family and friends over the next few days, I discovered an open wound that I’ve unknowingly been carrying since 5th grade.
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Because I always finish what I start, admitting defeat was very difficult. But it’s better to surrender, retreat, and try again, than to get beat up and still lose the fight.
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So, for the first few days of January, I started looking for a word. Every powerful thing I heard, watched or read, I tried to make it my word for the year.
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There have even been at least three occasions I’ve told God, “I don’t care what you say. I’m sick of this, I’m saying something today. Enough is enough.”
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Whenever I’m in a downward spiral about the timeline of my life, the Spirit always confronts me with the question of who am I measuring my timeline against.
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It was as if I was having an outer body experience, watching a version of me enjoying a vacation.
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Black Friday shopping had been thrilling for me because it was the one time of year I could afford to purchase certain wants and luxuries. I’d wait all year to purchase a TV, a laptop, a phone or some popular kitchen appliance.
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Although my fears were legitimate, I knew I couldn’t allow them to have more influence than the Spirit working through me.
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The internal war was so great at times, I thought it would be best to give up. I even practiced the response I would give when our parents asked why I wanted a divorce. I was going to say, “I did it but it didn’t work for us. At least we tried.”
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We’re willing to give multiple chances to everyone and everything else but the first time God doesn’t do as expected, we give up on Him.
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“Last year had unbelievable, life-changing, gut wrenching changes. Some changes hurt deeply but I was happy to welcome others. Honestly, after the unexpected battles in 2018, I lowered my expectations for 2019.“
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“That ‘ol sly devil!”
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