There’s a difference between doing things for God, and doing things with God.
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I’ve been beating myself up over the last few weeks because I’m currently repeating a spiritual test that I’ve taken before.
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It felt like I’d won the war, but lost the battle. The only way I can describe how I felt is like the ending of the movie 300. Although the Spartans won, nothing was ever the same because they all died on the battlefield.
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A piece of me died this month. And it's kind of ironic considering that September marked another year of life, health and strength for me.
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In April, I began to feel a shift in my ministry. I noticed that I had begun to attract a different segment of women than I would normally attract.
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No matter the instructions, the outcome remained the same: God spoke. I disobeyed. Satan won.
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After some time, the members began to recognize me as Marcus’ wife. However, no one really knew me because I remained cordial, but not engaging.
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Whenever I’m in a downward spiral about the timeline of my life, the Spirit always confronts me with the question of who am I measuring my timeline against.
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It was as if I was having an outer body experience, watching a version of me enjoying a vacation.
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Did I say enough? Did I do enough? Did I miss any warning signs? Where was my discernment? Did I miss opportunities to follow up or reach out? And why did God allow this to happen?
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God, you said a lot of things that week to not have given me any specific details. Why do you have to be so elusive? Do you want me to follow your perfect will or not? If so, then just tell me what you want me to do!
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Dear Satan, you’ve tried to discourage me over the last week. You’ve tried to convince me to focus on my expectations. You’ve tried to distract me from what really matters most when it comes to ministry, but my “Yes” still stands.
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Although my fears were legitimate, I knew I couldn’t allow them to have more influence than the Spirit working through me.
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Although I intend to build and create all the things God has designed for me to do, I don’t want to neglect one of the first things He called me to be: a wife.
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My ministry isn’t easy, it’s controversial. It requires a willingness to be honest and transparent to identify and address errors and an ability to be vulnerable to seek deliverance and healing.
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“…I questioned our marriage often. Did we make a mistake? Did we move too fast? Lord, did we want to get married or did God want us to get married? I’d even asked my mother, “Why did you let me get married?” When everything was perfect, I was sure my marriage was God’s will.”
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“As I began studying, I kept hearing, “Accept What God Allows.” I didn’t like it. I wanted to make the congregation dance and run around the building! I didn’t want to come off as insensitive, I wanted them to like me.”
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Every time I accomplish one thing, He puts something else in my heart to accomplish. Each level is more daring, requiring deeper faith, stretching and bringing forth parts of me I didn’t know existed.
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