Rediscovering Me
Before I turned 30, nearly two years ago, I heard all sorts of things from older people. I heard that body aches begin at 30, that real "adulting" begins at 30, that friendships change at 30 and more. I could go on but I won't spoil 30 for those of you waiting to approach the threshold.
Of all the things I'd heard about 30, no one prepared me for the internal transformation that would take place, among other things. Just months after celebrating my 30th birthday, the transformation began. I could use most of this post to tell you how I greeted thirty by publishing my second book and riding that high until the new year. But then, there was the car accident that totaled my car in January, the needed chiropractor visits in February, the fight with the insurance company in March, the never ending personal/business taxes filings work in April, the stressful travel in May, the miscarriage in June, the cold that refused to leave in July, my son's regressed potty training in August, and then finally, my season changed. After such a relentless, month-to-month, back-to-back season of battle, I just KNEW my next season would be filled with peace, favor and repayment for what I'd suffered and lost.
Fortunately, I was right. The new year began with favor and I've experienced external peace thus far. However, unexpectedly, this season also produced a metamorphosis within me that I would've never imagined. Simply put, I thought I knew me. I mean, I thought I'd at least know me by the age of 30. My world had already been turned upside down at 27 when the birth of my son made me realize I wasn't walking in my purpose. So, upon his arrival, I immediately shifted my life to get in alignment with God's will. And now, looking back, I guess I thought that was it. I was so wrong!
Ever since I've been walking in purpose, God keeps revealing His plan for my life. Every time I accomplish one thing, He puts something else in my heart to accomplish. Each level is more daring, requiring deeper faith, stretching and bringing forth parts of me I didn’t know existed. It's been both overwhelming and awesome to experience. God has allowed me to refine the gifts I'm aware of while discovering gifts I didn't know I possessed and teaching me how to use them in new ways. For example, I've always known that writing and public speaking were gifts of mine. For writing, I thought books would be the biggest thing I could do as a professional. And yet, I have an editing business, I'm a ghostwriter and now, I’m a blogger. For public speaking, I thought hosting corporate trainings would be the best I could do. And yet, I'm hosting events, requested for speaking engagements and I have a radio show. Who knows what else God wants to do with those gifts!
Along the way, I've also learned things about my character that I'm not too happy about. For example, I can be lazy and I surrender to procrastination way too often! I also lack self-discipline, which I really need to get a handle on if I want to be self-employed. I'm also an over thinker so I struggle to make decisions, even if I already have peace. Still, I'm not satisfied until I think every scenario all the way through and determine whether a successful outcome exists. I need to get a handle on this too because I've thought myself into a headache as a result of anxiety. I also tend to need a lot of validation from friends and family about my decisions. And for some reason, it's easy for me to encourage others to be steadfast in their faith but I seem to have a problem keeping my faith steady as well.
As unique and tough and beautiful and exhausting as this season has been, I'm grateful. God thinks of me enough to show me who I am, helps me to understand why I need to change and grants me wisdom to determine what I need to change. He loves me enough to not allow me to stay the same. He loves me enough that He won't even allow me to get in my own way. In this season of rediscovery, I'm grateful for the lessons and the ability to hear God's voice. Thankfully, I'll never be the same.