Finding a Balance
A week ago, I was vacationing in the Dominican Republic with my sorority sisters for our 10th Anniversary. During the last night there, it was difficult to remain in the present and enjoy my final hours because I wasn't looking forward to saying goodbye. Then, I’d feel guilty for actually enjoying my time away because I should want to be home with my family, right? Needless to say, the last day was filled with mixed emotions.
It was five days away from responsibility and routine. No one knew me as a wife, mother, life coach, author, editor, radio show host or as the founder of the Church Girls Movement. I didn't have the responsibility of giving baths, after school pick up, cooking, grocery shopping, creating content, booking guests, editing manuscripts, responding to emails, etc. I was free to be me. I didn’t even introduce myself as Kolanda, instead, I introduced myself as Koko. It was the first time since I’ve been an entrepreneur that I'd ever been on vacation and didn't do any work. My only agenda each day was to discover something new and to have fun. Still, the fun and freedom I experienced made me feel guilty that I wasn't experiencing it with my loved ones. It didn’t feel acceptable to make new memories without them.
As I showered that final morning, I wept quietly. I was so full of emotion I didn’t know how to communicate so I cried. The only thing I did know how to communicate was to ask myself, “What is wrong with you? Aren’t you ready to see your family?” After getting dressed, I had to share my feelings with my husband (aka Superman) immediately. There was no way I’d be able to hold it all in until I arrived home later that night. Honestly, I was nervous about telling him how I felt for two reasons: I didn’t think he’d understand and I didn’t want my feelings to hurt his.
To my surprise, Superman understood! In fact, he added clarity to what I was feeling. After we talked (well he talked, I tried to talk through tears), it dawned on me that I don’t have a healthy work life balance. And even worse, when I am doing something new, it’s work-related. How awful! What kind of life is that? In hindsight, I realize that cry in the shower was my way of mourning the freedom I felt I’d lose upon my return home. I was mourning the carefree, unbothered, cool side of me that I haven’t seen in years as a result of change and responsibility. Apparently, I’d forgotten what it was like to be easy-going and simply enjoy whatever the day produced.
Don’t get me wrong, I love all the roles I’ve been blessed to fill. Even more, I’m grateful that I’ve been chosen and trusted to handle the responsibilities each role includes. However, I’m not my best self when Kolanda is in need of care. I can’t serve others effectively when I’m empty. I want to serve others from my overflow, not my main flow.
More than anything, my time away provided an opportunity for me to be revived, refueled and refreshed so I can continue my work. So, moving forward, I’m making a conscience effort to make time for me. Even if that means sitting in my car in the garage watching Netflix or going to get ice cream and read a book, I’m making time for me. I’ll be taking myself to lunch and dinner, to the movies, window shopping at the mall, etc. Whatever I choose, it will be outside my home so I’m not tempted to sacrifice my time for work.
My time in the Dominican Republic changed me in a way I would’ve never imagined. Allowing myself to slip back into the same work-work-work routine would be the same as saying my five days in paradise never existed. It would be a disservice to the entire vacation. And since I can’t forget my experience or the memories I created there, I can’t forget how it changed me.