Hello 2020!
Happy New Year!
If I could choose one word to describe 2019, it would be change. Last year had unbelievable, life-changing, gut wrenching changes. Some changes hurt deeply but I was happy to welcome others. Honestly, after the unexpected battles in 2018, I lowered my expectations for 2019. I was so happy when 2018 ended, I welcomed 2019 with open arms. Since 2018 wasn’t the year I believed it would be, I didn’t even claim a theme for 2019. I figured, no expectations, no disappointments. After 2018 wasn’t the year of new beginnings (since the number eight means new beginnings) as I’d imagined, I was angry with God because of what I’d endured. So, to avoid having a reason to be angry with Him again, I thought I’d let 2019 happen naturally and it would be better. But, of course, I was wrong.
Having little to no expectations for 2019 didn’t leave many areas to apply my faith. That meant I was running businesses without expectation, creating content without expectation, and planning and hosting events without expectation. I was even pregnant without expectation! I went from one extreme to the other. I went from having much faith to no faith. I thought having no expectations would lessen the disappointment. It didn’t. Instead, I felt guilty. Perhaps things didn’t work out because I didn’t have an expectation for things to work. So, what if I’d prayed more? What if I’d believed more? Then, who would I be today? How much would’ve I accomplished? Unfortunately, I’ll never know. But, to avoid repeating the same extreme behavior, I’m doing things differently in 2020.
This year, I think I finally got it right. I didn’t wait to hear the “word” that would be spoken over my life at the New Year revivals, I went to God for myself. On January 1st, I told the Lord I spent too much time in 2019 trying to maintain mental consistency. It was exhausting. Having a split focus meant few things were completed on time. I’m determined not to let 2020 be the same as the last two years. So, instead of focusing on a theme for the year or trying to avoid expectations altogether, I’ve surrendered. I made a list of goals I’d like to accomplish and new things I’d like to experience. However, I’ve surrendered that list to God. And I feel so free! I have more clarity and a better understanding of how to move forward. My main objective is that Hos will be done- not mine. So, I’m committed to follow His leading, seeking Him daily, living one day at a time.