Mad at Ministry
I’m frustrated.
“They” said I would wake up everyday feeling fulfilled when I began pursuing purpose. “They” said I would be satisfied when I began walking in my calling. “They” said I would be happy working in the purpose for which I was created.
So, when is this supposed to happen? And I mean happen on a consistent basis, because at this point I feel like “they” lied.
I’ve been leading the Church Girls Movement, Inc for four years and I’m still waiting to feel good about the journey because in all honesty, I’ve never felt more vulnerable and ostracized. Ministry has exposed a side of me, to me, that I didn’t know existed. It’s a side of me that I’m uncomfortable being. You see, ministry has shown me that I’m not always as confident, I second-guess my abilities, I’m anxious about outcomes, I experience a roller coaster of emotions during the planning and execution processes, and the feeling of fear has never felt so familiar in my life.
I’m at the point where all I can do is trust God because I literally can’t trust myself. I know that sounds strange but there’s so much distance between who I was and who I’m becoming. I can’t even look to the old Kolanda to see what she thinks or find out what she would do because I don’t know her anymore. And so, the only viable solution is to continue moving forward with ministry.
How do I move forward without frustration? How can I be purposeful without kicking and screaming? How can I prevent myself from serving others while holding a grudge against God about my service? How do I avoid being mad at ministry? It’s simple. I need to accept, and fully come to terms with, what God has called me to do. I can’t accept the blessings of ministry without also accepting the trials so I have to reconcile with my ministry. And to do this, I have to keep:
Praying: always and incessantly to become familiar with God’s voice
Reading the Bible: actively, study and apply the Word as necessary, allowing it to take root
Utilizing my godly community: speak honestly, ask for what I need to be successful
Obeying His commands: respond quickly, allowing my understanding to catch up if needed
I admit, it’s frustrating at times to keep going despite all I’ve experienced. And only God knows what I’ll face in the future. In fact, I even question at times whether it’s worth it to continue. Then, I realize I would regret not discovering, and thereby forfeiting, who I could become and what I could accomplish if I don’t accept God’s plan for my life. And that scares me more than anything else.