God, why are we doing this?

After a grueling six months of planning, advertising and marketing for The Retreat 2021, I  didn’t accomplish my goals. I even extended my deadlines, at my own inconvenience, to allow more time to reach my goals. But, it didn’t matter. Eventually, I had to ask, “God, why are we doing this?” Here I am trying to be obedient but all I’m reaping in return is embarrassment, loss of time, energy, creativity, money, etc.

When the Lord didn’t immediately answer my question, I told my accountability partners that I wasn’t hosting The Retreat next year. Since my expectations or goals weren’t met, despite my hard work, I didn’t think The Retreat was needed. And it was starting to feel like a waste of my time and energy. So, I decided I wasn’t going to host it again until there was a demand for it. There would have to be a waitlist of women who wanted to attend before I subjected myself to that level of vulnerability, planning and expectation again.

Two weeks ago, while I getting ready for the day, the Lord reminded me about the conversation I’d had with my accountability partners. Initially, I took it as a reminder to just get through this year’s event and I wouldn’t have to experience these range of emotions next year. And as I encouraged myself, the Spirit interrupted and said, “You don’t have the power to cancel anything I want to do. That’s my event that I allow you to host. I’ll find someone else to be the host and continue the event before I allow it to be cancelled.” 

I was too ashamed to reply. He was right. The Lord had given me the idea, I didn’t give Him the idea. The Retreat belongs to Him, not me.

So, I immediately texted my accountability partners and apologized for making a decision about something beyond my control. Still, I wanted to know, “God, if everything isn’t going as planned, why are we doing this? Why am I doing all this work if no one is interested?” Finally, He replied:

  1. “To show you how you’re allowing pride to rule you.” Instead of making decisions out of obedience to God, I was making decisions according to my feelings. Rejection, which is linked to pride, is a feeling that can discourage us from being obedient, but it shouldn’t determine whether we are obedient.

  2. "Creating you with purpose is a privilege, not a right.” Hosting The Retreat is an assignment that fulfills the purpose God gave me. I don’t have to host the event, I get to be the host. It’s a privilege to operate as you were created.

  3. “Obedience opens doors.” I believed the more women who attended, the more opportunity it would provide for growth and access to a larger audience. However, obedience to God is what produces opportunities and builds platforms. And whatever God builds, He sustains!

This season of “crushing” has been tough. I’ve second guessed my calling and wanted to give up- many times. And though it would be easy to walk away from it all, I’ve come too far to not discover what God wants to rebuild, reignite and reimagine through me and through the Church Girls Movement.