Crucifying Anxiety
I battled teasing from fifth to seventh grade because of my crooked teeth. Thankfully, my parents remedied that with braces. Then, God favored me so much He allowed the orthodontist to take my braces off the summer before ninth grade! Ever since then, my self-esteem has been high. There was nothing anyone could say to bring me down again.
Over the years I've realized that my self-esteem was categorical. Yes, having braces made me confident about my appearance, however, that confidence didn’t reach other areas. For example, I was a confident newlywed until trouble arose. Then, I felt naive and unprepared. It wasn't until four years into marriage that I allowed the Spirit, through friends and resources, teach me how to be a wife. Then, I became confident in my ability to fulfill the role.
Since May 2015 until the remaining months of 2018, I also lacked confidence as a mother. Despite the classes my husband and I attended during my pregnancy, the books I'd read or the apps I’d downloaded for advice and networking, I still felt inexperienced when Makai was born. Stubborn fevers especially gave me a lot of anxiety. Sometimes I could barely sleep or care for him without feeling jittery or on edge. I’d pray but still panic. As he progressed, and his personality, desires and needs became visible, my insecurities grew. So, I consulted more people, conducted more research, asked more questions, searched Google and Pinterest more, etc. but none of it made me feel better. In fact, the information and opinion overload only made me feel worse. I’d cry, talk to Marcus, pray, then worry, repeatedly.
One day, as I was scrolling through Facebook, a post from a high school friend caught my attention. She was sharing her journey of discovering her daughter was hard of hearing and how her family had begun learning sign language to communicate with her. The post was very touching and encouraging. Still, my heart ached for the level of anxiety I believed she must’ve been experiencing. As I continued to read her post, I learned that she didn’t feel the same as me. Instead of anxiety, she had joy and peace. She referenced the following scripture as the source of her strength: “For You formed my innermost parts; You knit me [together] in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks and praise to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.” (Psalm 139:13-14) To make it personal, she’d inserted her daughter’s name in the verse. It was the punch in the gut I needed so I followed her lead:
“For You formed Makai’s innermost parts; You knit him [together] in my womb. I will give thanks and praise to You, for he is fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.”
I held onto this scripture until I felt anxiety and insecurity escape me. And in exchange, God gave me His peace. If God loved Makai and had given him a purpose before conception, why would He suddenly stop caring for Makai now that he was in my care? Wouldn’t He endow me with what I needed to be his mother? To raise him as God intended? Yes! Duh, Kolanda.
Now that I’ve crucified anxiety in the roles of wife and mother, anxiety is now trying to reappear in a role I’ve recently acquired: Founder of the Church Girls Movement. It’s manifested itself as insecurity about my gifts, worry about the future, doubt about the ideas God has given me, and anxiousness about the outcome of events and product launches. Sometimes the anxiety is so great, so consuming, so palpable, I’d rather not continue to pursue purpose if it would eliminate the anxiety altogether. Unfortunately, that’s not the answer. Perhaps the anxiety would disappear but then I’d have to battle emptiness, which would prompt me to try different things to fill the void. And that’s an entirely new set of issues. Therefore, my only option is to continue to pursue purpose BUT crucify anxiety. To accomplish this, every time I feel the anxiety rising, I must tell myself: “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.” (Philippians 4:6) I must immediately exchange the anxiety for words, songs, etc. that remind me of His love and faithfulness toward me before the anxiety overwhelms me.
This morning, the Spirit reminded me that “...The Lord bestows grace and favor and honor; No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” (Psalm 84:11) So, if I walk uprightly, pursuing the purpose God has for my life, He won’t withhold good things such as peace, confidence and a sound mind from me. It’s His pleasure to endow me with what I need. Why? Simply put, He’s a good Father.