Trusting God Again
January 1, 2020, Superman and I found out I was pregnant. I’d been putting off taking a pregnancy test since Christmas before I finally decided it was better to find out rather than continue living in suspense. Given our previous experiences, I was cautiously excited but very surprised. After our miscarriage in September 2019, I’d decided I’d be ready to officially start trying again in January 2020. So, imagine my surprise to learn that my plan wasn’t going to work because I was already pregnant.
For 12 weeks, I held my breath. Like the times before, my confirmation appointment was scheduled around the 12-week mark. It sucked that I’d have to reach the first trimester before learning whether there was something to celebrate. It was an eerie reminder of our miscarriages. Like the last two, this pregnancy seemed to be following the same, depressing pattern. “Seriously God?” I questioned. Still, I was determined to trust Him. I knew I had to do something different if I wanted different results.
This time, Superman and I decided not to tell anyone about the possible pregnancy, not even our parents. I didn’t want to get our loved ones excited unless we were sure there was a reason to be excited. I couldn’t bear the idea of watching their happy faces sadden, if we had to give them bad news, again. Additionally, I wanted the space to exercise my faith without relying on others. I knew if we told our parents, they would cover us in prayer. They would’ve been calling and texting with encouraging words and scripture. However, I didn’t want to rely on their faith. I’d done that with the pregnancy in September and when we learned that another miscarriage had occurred, it left me feeling weak and powerless. So, this time, I wanted to rely on my own faith. I needed to rely on my own faith if I was ever going to learn to trust God again in this area.
Over the weeks, my body betrayed my secret by making noticeable changes, fast. Since I wasn’t sure if the changes were because of hormones or an actual baby growing inside of me, I disguised my growing belly. My belly had grown during the pregnancies before as a result of hormones so I knew I couldn’t trust it as confirmation. And yet, I didn’t want to live in a constant state of fear and anxiety, checking the toilet every time I used the bathroom for signs of bleeding, worrying about unfamiliar stomach pains, or wondering if the symptoms I was experiencing were only imagined. So, every day, until my confirmation appointment, I told God how I felt. If I woke up not “feeling” pregnant, I told God. Then, I’d remind myself that feelings were fleeting and couldn’t be trusted. The only thing that could be trusted was God’s love for me and the fact that I wouldn’t experience anything without the promise of victory attached to it. My daily affirmation was that I could only trust the One who knows me so intimately that He knows how much I can handle.
On the day of the appointment, I was nervous. The day I’d been waiting for had finally arrived and I was dreading it. As Superman and I waited in the lobby of the doctor’s office, I prayed for peace. No matter the outcome, I knew I’d need God’s peace. When it was our turn to be seen, we were led to a room and I quickly hopped on the table for the examination. Before I knew it, an image of a baby appeared on the screen as the ultrasound technician drug her instrument across my belly. I was speechless. After weeks of holding my breath, I felt like I could finally breathe. The baby’s heartbeat was strong and it was measuring on target.
I’d be lying if I said I’ve been able to relax in the weeks since my first appointment. As I entered the second trimester, I’d begun living from sonogram to sonogram. My joy was up and down, rarely in a constant state. Then one day, I decided that I don’t want to look back on this pregnancy and only remember worry. I want to look back and remember joy and expectation. However, to do that, I can’t continue to focus on what happened, I have to move forward with what God has done.
Trusting God means that when the events of life break my heart, He won’t allow them to break me.