Support vs. Surveillance

Last month I started learning the difference between support and surveillance. This month, my lesson was completed and I had homework.

This homework wasn’t anything that my therapist or any other trusted source provided to assess my knowledge of the lesson. No, this homework was a result of a situation that occurred and the sense of urgency that followed to address the situation. The irony of this homework assignment was that I’d had it before. This same situation had occurred a few times in past years but I always chose to ignore the homework. I always swept it under the rug, pushing it to the back of my mind in hopes that I’d forget it happened and would never have to face it again.

Well, this time was different. This time, it was like it had happened for the first time. I saw it through fresh eyes. It even felt as if my ears had popped because I was able to hear what wasn’t said. This time, I recognized the lies and excuses. And my discernment was sharper too because I saw the spirit behind the words and actions. Although the face and voice of the person was familiar, the spirit behind their behavior was not. So, this time, I noticed the deflection. I noticed the lack of accountability. I noticed the ignorance. I noticed the indifference. And I noticed the absence of an apology.

And though the outcome of my homework wasn’t what I expected, once I completed it, I immediately felt free! It was like the rope between us had been cut. The ball-and-chain that seemed to appear and slow me down when they were near finally disappeared. And suddenly, the light I always dimmed in their presence to deter their competitive nature, finally shone brightly. In the days that followed, as I replayed everything over and over, I realized I didn’t need their accountability or apology to loose the chain that tied us together. No, all I needed to be loosed from them was changed expectations. I had to accept that I wouldn’t experience any changed behavior from them unless they surrendered their will and allowed the Holy Spirit intervened. Until then, their place has been shifted appropriately.

Since completing my homework, I’ve come to understand that at the heart of this entire situation was my need to be able to discern and/or identify the difference between support and surveillance. And because I didn’t know the difference, I’d been trusting roles, responsibilities, hopes, and fears to the people surveilling me, instead of to the people supporting me.

For clarity, support involves encouragement, empowerment, information exchange, or assistance to help bear the weight of or hold something upright. Conversely, surveillance, is the supervision, scrutiny, or the monitoring of behavior, activities, or information for the purpose of information gathering, influencing, managing, or directing.

Now, I could be upset with myself regarding my lack of discretion and naivety. And perhaps many would assume I should know better. But, I’m an imperfect optimist who wants to believe the best about everyone, especially the public, self-proclaimed believers. So, I choose to extend grace to myself. And moving forward, I’ll devote myself more diligently to prayer and asking God to identify my support versus my surveillance. Even more, this situation was a much needed reminder that God is an infinite source of creativity. They may surveil my work and replicate my strategy, but they’ll never be able to replicate my outcomes…